


Grief is a Five Letter Word

by EchoCharm



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fanfiction prompt: favourite character POV, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, JATP Appreciation Week 2020, Julie mourning the loss of her mom, This fic deals with the aftermath of julie's mom dying, everyone handles grief differently, grieving julie molina, no one dies in the fic but i tagged that warning to be safe, this is based on personal experience with grief and loss, this is just my take on it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27350500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EchoCharm/pseuds/EchoCharm
Summary: When she woke a few hours later she felt like death warmed over. And then remembered what happened the night before. It wasn’t a horrible nightmare. It was real life. Sitting up in bed she leaned forward as a silent sob wracked through her. A new wave of tears spilling over. Clutching her blankets in a tight grasp. Julie felt paralysed and then she breathed in and her heart felt like it restarted.The scream that she unleashed was unearthly. Her dad raced into her room “Oh, mija.” He held her tight as she cried.Written forJATP Appreciation Week
Relationships: Carlos Molina & Julie Molina & Julie Molina's Mother & Ray Molina, Julie Molina & Aunt Victoria, Julie Molina & Julie Molina's Mother, Julie Molina & Ray Molina
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30
Collections: JATP Appreciation Week





	Grief is a Five Letter Word

**Author's Note:**

> Happy JatP Appreciation Week Everybody!! It's finally here! This is my first entry for the week for the fanfic promt: Favourite Character POV. I will also be cross posting this to Tumblr today. You can come and follow me there at echocharm17618
> 
> If you know me, please don't read this. Thanks.
> 
> After seeing the deleted scene yesterday I was brought back to a moment in my life and I wanted to explore it with Julie.  
> This story deals with the aftermath of a person you love passing away. No one dies in this fic but I put that warning on the story to be safe rather than sorry. 
> 
> On with the story!

All the buzzing sounds had stopped. There was quiet talking out in the hallway. Someone talking about plans for the next day. How could someone be thinking of plans at a time like this? It was 3AM. The room was dark, except for one light. She wasn’t whole anymore. Too tired to cry but that was all her body was capable of in the moment. The one person she loved more than anyone, was gone.

Her insides were burning with fire and ice, while they were simultaneously sucked into a black hole. She wasn’t the same person she was 3 hours ago, or even 40 minutes ago. All she could see was blurry shapes and lights through the tears. How is a person to live with this pain for the rest of their life? She felt like _she_ was dying. It was unbearable. What was the point of anything if the one person she wanted to share it with was not there?

There was no meaning left. Her mother was dead, and she was numb.

The loud sobs she realised were coming from her. Her throat raw and her eyes tired. Julie didn’t know how long she had been lying on the bed holding the cold hand. Looking out the window she could see the beginning of a sunrise. A new day. What absolute bullshit. The apocalypse would have been more appropriate. Her world had ended.

Her father stood up from the small plastic chair and with one last kiss to his wife’s hand he left the room. Her _Tia_ came by her side and put a soothing hand on her back, slowly rubbing her back. Julie could hear the tears falling down her face.

“We have to go soon. We all need to sleep.” That was the last thing on Julie’s to do list. She held on to Carlos’ hand. They hadn’t let go for hours, both hoping to give the other all of their strength.

“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t” Julie chanted it like a life mantra. Breathing coming faster and faster. She was quickly working herself into hysterics. Trying to look up into her aunt’s eyes giving her a pleading look. Her aunt placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it.

“Ok, we can stay a little longer.”

Outside in the hallway, Ray was talking to one of the nurses. He was writing information down on a memo pad. The nurse gave the piece of paper to Ray.

Julie heard footsteps come into the room and saw that it was her dad. “We should leave soon.” Ray knew that the act of leaving the hospital was not going to be easy. He and Victoria were trying to get the idea into Julie and Carlos’ mind. Neither wanted to rush the kids into leaving.

Eventually, Julie and Carlos stood up and started to walk towards the door. Everyone trailed out after Carlos, ready to go home and rest.

Before she left, Julie took one last look at her mother. The one light in the room was still on lighting up her mother’s features. She looked like she was sleeping. Quietly into the morning dawn she whispered “Am I alone? What am I going to do? I love you mom. I will always love you. I love you too much to know what to do with it all. I thought I would be prepared for this. I miss you. I love you. I love you. I love you” She turned away from the bed and her mother’s body, tears running down her face.

* * *

When she woke a few hours later she felt like death warmed over. And then remembered what happened the night before. It wasn’t a horrible nightmare. It was real life. Sitting up in bed she leaned forward as a silent sob wracked through her. A new wave of tears spilling over. Clutching her blankets in a tight grasp. Julie felt paralysed and then she breathed in and her heart felt like it restarted.

The scream that she unleashed was unearthly. Her dad raced into her room “Oh, _mija._ ” He held her tight as she cried.

* * *

Julie wasn’t sure what day of the week it was or what time was used for, but she was certain she woke up like that for a week. Exhaustion leading into the panic of remembering her mother was gone and then crying for an hour or two.

Friends and family would come by with food and flowers and gift baskets asking if they could do anything else. Asking about funeral details. Asking about how the kids are doing. Julie wanted to shout at them that she wasn’t ok. Who would be? She didn’t have the energy to scream and yell at people all day, so she retreated to her room.

It was too quiet in her room. She saw the dream box, that held all her most precious thoughts. She couldn’t stand the sight of it. Picking it up off the shelf she threw it on the floor. The hinge broke and the box fell apart. Then she took the pillows off her bed and threw them at the wall. She attacked the bookshelf next. Furiously tossing everything on the ground, not caring if the covers and pages became bent or torn. She kicked her desk chair and threw clothing at the walls.

And again, she let out an earth-shattering scream.

* * *

Why? Why did this have to happen to her mom? Did she do something wrong? She should have noticed something was wrong with her mom. She would be ok if she hadn’t been so wrapped up in her own world. Ugh, she felt so stupid now. Her mom had felt sick a few months ago. Her mom never got sick. That should have made something click in Julie’s head. Instead she brushed it off as nothing, just like her mom had. _Stupid, stupid, stupid Julie. What were you thinking?_

What was she thinking? She wasn’t. That’s why this happened. She could have prevented this. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

She always came back to the question of Why? Why did this happen?

* * *

Julie didn’t know how to handle the stares and whispers at school. The pitying looks from teachers. The hour she spent in the guidance counsellor’s office, listen to her talk about safe spaces for crying. She didn’t know what to do with any of it.

During math class as they were learning a dance to remember how to graph sine, cosine and other math functions. Julie thought to herself that her mom was going to love this dance. Then she backtracked that thought and put it in the past tense. She _would_ have loved this dance. She started crying and excused herself from class. Grabbing the box of tissues on her way out.

After class Flynn found her in the bathroom on the third floor that no one used during lunch. She had Julie’s stuff with her.

“Let’s go get ice cream.” Flynn always knew that Julie couldn’t say no to ice cream.

* * *

Julie felt that if she was happy, her mom would be forgotten. Sometimes she would catch herself almost laughing at Carlos, or at her dad when he lost his keys when he was holding them. But then she remembered that she wasn’t allowed to be happy because her mom wasn’t here to be happy with her.

Slowly, that seemed to change. “You are allowed to smile and laugh _mija,_ you won’t be in trouble for it. She would want you to be happy. To smile and laugh and enjoy life. It’s going to be hard but don’t be hard on yourself for making new memories without her. She will always love you.” Her dad kissed her on the forehead and left her room.

And one day, months later she found herself telling a story to her friends about her mom. There were no tears, or screaming, or fire and ice pain inside of her. Only the deep love that she had for her mother.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If anyone is dealing with feelings of grief or loss please reach out to someone you trust and talk about it. It can e hard to talk about these heavy emotions, it can feel like a heavy weight on your chest, and if you can't talk sometimes all you need is a tight hug or a reasurring hand to hold. <3


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